Social stigma plays a big role in whether people seek out financial coaching, counseling or education. Social stigma also plays a part in whether people feel good while getting financial help. Money Habitudes is often employed in a manner to help minimize or alleviate the perceived stigma, shame or embarrassment of seeking financial help. Typically, therapists, financial coaches and financial planners use Money Habitudes to make client interactions better without even realizing how it’s related to social stigma.
There are a number of social stigma theories, but there are common elements between them. Below, we’ll largely consider Erving Goffman’s seminal stigma structure.

Ways that Money Habitudes can help alleviate social stigma:

1. Easier to walk in the door – A lot of financial programs implicitly speak to clients and participants about having problems. For example, if you sign up to attend a “Get out of debt” class, it sends the message to others that you’re in debt. That can be stigmatizing and hard to admit. On the other hand, using Money Habitudes often means going to a first class or session that carries less stigma: “Discover your money personality type” or “Learn about your financial influences,” etc.
2. Less confrontation and judgement – When people seek financial help, many of those interactions take on the tone of an expert telling a novice what to do. It can be very prescriptive and come across as “You’re not handling your finances well. I know how to do it better. You need to listen to me and do what I say.” That can make people feel shame or embarrassment. Money Habitudes cards produce a money personality profile, but they do not tell people that they are good or bad, smart or stupid, when it comes to money. They also start the process from a place where people are more comfortable and will share and reveal stories, which isn’t usually true of other first interactions.
3. Avoiding numbers – A temptation of financial counseling and coaching is to jump right into numbers. This frequently means collecting receipts and making a budget. Not that there isn’t value in this step, but it can be a difficult introduction if someone feels uncomfortable or incompetent with numbers, math, spreadsheets and the like.
4. Sympathy and empathy – As Goffman theorizes, there are people who are “stigmatized” and then there are those who are “normals” who do not bear that stigma. A subset of “normals” are people who are “wise” and are accepted by the “stigmatized” as understanding their difficult situation. Going through the Money Habitudes process – either as a staff training exercise or as an activity with clients – helps people relate better to one another. It makes it easier to share stories and understand that everyone has strengths and challenges around money; the activity underscores that everyone has financial habits and attitudes that can be helpful or harmful.
5. Not the only one – One of the most helpful outcomes of doing Money Habitudes in a group is that people have that “Oh, yeah, me too” moment where they relate to one another. It can be really helpful to hear that you’re not the only one facing a problem and that other people have the same issues and often have wisdom to share about overcoming it.

We talk a lot about the right way to talk about money. After all, money is one of the hardest topics for people to talk about. But, what happens when you don’t have a good interaction around money? There are bound to be upsets in any relationship. (That’s true for other flashpoints in addition to money.)
So sometimes it’s good to review the larger topic of communication skills in relationships, thanks to our friend Dr. Susan Heitler, a Denver clinical psychologist and marriage counselor. Although she also tackles the central issue of money in relationships, she’s put together a great toolkit of articles on communication skills:

• Apology skills to be able to heal after stumbled into upsets
• Exit and re-entry routines for cooling down to prevent anger from escalating into fighting.
• Skills for disagreeing in an agreeable manner.
• Habits that infuse interactions with positive energy,
• Skills for listening responsively to each other’s concerns
• Ability to keep discussions on sensitive issues flowing collaboratively
• Shared decision-making skills.

As with Money Habitudes, there’s a focus here on understanding your own habits and attitudes – and those of your partner; self-assessment is a big part of why our money personality methodology works. There are practical tips to have good, healthy conversations. There’s also a focus on being proactive and not reactive – including learning communication skills and employing them early in a relationship. Also, there’s a sense of fun and lightness that’s especially evident in Heitler’s free online PowerOfTwoMarriage relationship quiz. It’s fast and easy – just like Money Habitudes!
Also, online relationship tests are top of mind for us as we’re working on that transition for Money Habitudes …

Usually when people use Money Habitudes as financial conversation starters, they stick to the usual money personality instructions. In the typical solitaire sort, people get to see their money personality for how they are today. But, of course, our financial habits and attitudes change over time.
Here are a few bonus financial conversation starters you can do with Money Habitudes money management games. Bear in mind though that you’ll almost always want to do the basic exercise first. This provides a valuable financial self-assessment and allows you to benchmark your financial behaviors as you are today. Then you can move on to these bonus financial conversation starters when the situation is right and if you have time.
These largely help people see how our financial attitudes and spending habits and behaviors evolve and change. Like the slow rise of sea level, it can be hard for people to see how much they’ve changed over the years because it’s often a gradual process.
The financial conversation starters below can be used by couples on their own – or by professionals like therapists and marriage counselors. (Therapists and counselors may also be interested in the Bringing Money Into the Conversation guide, which includes tons of other activities and resources beyond the Money Habitudes financial conversation starters.
Of course, always bear in mind the usual suggestions to have a good conversation about money, which we’ve posted before.

Financial conversation starters for Money Habitudes

• Before and after getting married. It’s not uncommon for couples to change after being around someone else for a long time. It may be that being with someone else moderates your behavior – or reinforces it.
• Before and after another major life event: divorce, having children, going away to school, retirement, etc. Did this major event change you at all? Was it a dramatic shift? Did it make you hesitant to spend money – or did you start spending more freely? Were you more likely to sacrifice for others? Do you think the change is permanent or is it a phase?
• You, today and 10 or 20 years ago. The goal with these financial conversation starters is to look at how you’ve changed. And, in that context, what’s changed around you? Were you living with your parents before and now live independently? Did you have kids living with you but now they’re grown and living on their own? Was the economy different Did you have different goals for yourself? What have you gained from these years of experience?
• How would you answer the cards differently if you lost your job? (Or, what if you went back to work?) Employment can have a big effect on our financial habits, attitudes and behaviors. Many people are spurred to think about their finances and talk about money only after this big change. But it’s helpful to be able to think about the situation in advance, when you’re not feeling like you’re in the midst of a crisis.
• How would your mother sort the cards; how would your father sort the cards? A very common a-ha! moment for people is seeing how they are like or unlike their parents (or other formative adults in their lives). Because our own household was our own “normal” environment, it can be hard to take an outside look in on that time. If you’re always spending money on other people, it may be that this was a strong tendency for your mother that you’ve just made a habit of because it was normal. That could very well be spending too freely, never spending anything, hoarding, spending to impress others, planning every expenditure in an exacting manner, etc.
• Sort your cards for yourself and then sort the cards as if you were your spouse or partner; do it for each other. These financial conversation starters reveal differences between how you see yourself and how your partner sees you. It helps identify gaps and misconceptions you might have about each other. One of the keys here is to refer back to the “how others see you” section on the yellow interpretation cards. If you see yourself as very frugal, but your partner sees you as overly cheap, a good conversation about how you both see money may big dividends. However, some of these differences may call for some professional coaching or counseling.
• How would you like to be with money in 5 years? How is that different from the money personality profile you got of yourself when you do the cards for how you are today? What would you need to do differently to become that future version of yourself? Do you want to become more balance? Do you want to increase a certain dimension within your money personality? Do you want to decrease a certain part of how you see and use money today? This returns to the topic of financial goal setting. For that, try using the SMART method to set good financial goals.
• How would you your sibling(s) sort the cards? Just as with doing the cards from your parents’ perspective, doing them from a sibling’s perspective can also be helpful. Why do you and your sibling(s) get along – or not – when it comes to money? What do you admire about your brother or sister? What do you think they admire about you? How was your childhood similar to theirs? Was your family always wealthy or always poor – or were there times when your family’s fortunes changed dramatically?